MEMBER ARTICLE: 10 things I’ve learnt in 10 years on the fetish scene

MEMBER ARTICLE: 10 things I’ve learnt in 10 years on the fetish scene

from Recon News

17 September 2018

By member JRubberCub

I've been on the fetish scene for ten years now, and they've zoomed by in a whirlwind of rubber, sex clubs, beer and cock. In those ten years I've gone from being an insecure newbie, to the confident leader of the Rubbermen of London (next party 5th October at Backstreet FYI). I've learnt a lot, and thought I'd try and impart some wisdom (?) that I've picked up.

A lot of the below comes from my own experience, so if you don't agree or it doesn't apply to you, then that's okay. Please don't message me hate haha!

1. Take your time, there's no rush

When you first start on the fetish scene, it's like walking into the world's biggest buffet. You don't have to try everything straight away. Take your time, and get to know your tastes. Everything will still be there in a few years, so pace yourself. I made a conscious effort to focus on my rubber fetish and 'vanilla' sex, over time I've tried new things and introduced more into my play sessions, which means I still have that excitement of more things to look forward to. For instance, right now I'm trying more bondage and being more dominant, and that's really exciting…it also leads me nicely into point 2.

2. Your sex preferences will almost certainly change

I've always been more bottom, and never really enjoyed sub/Dom play, but that's changed recently. I find myself wanting to top more, and to dominate some horny, full rubber subs. At the same time I want to try submitting to a guy and being his gimp. Sex preferences aren't iron clad. I've seen guys that identify as 100% passive bottoms, suddenly decide they are the other way round, and vice versa. Keep an open mind to trying things outside of your normal position, you might enjoy it.

3. Social media isn't real life

We all project a slightly alternated version of ourselves on social media. The likes are a great ego boost, that's for sure, but fetish isn't made to stay on the internet, so make sure you can live up to the hype you create for yourself, or you could be screwed…and not in a good way. Also remember it doesn't really matter how much you talk online, unless you make the effort to meet in the real world, you can't really know if you connect. All the good friends I've made through the scene happened organically at events.

4. Don't get yourself in debt for your fetish

There are ways of getting inexpensive fetish gear to get you started – eBay has some cheap rubber from China – sure, it's not the best quality, but it's better than nothing. Don't feel pressured to buy top of the range just because purists tell you to. Buy high street leather if you can't afford custom kit from Langlitz, you'll be able to replace it in time. Also save up to buy what you really want. Despite it being a lot of money, fetish isn't just some frivolous hobby. For most of us it's actually something we need in our lives to feel sexually fulfilled, so it's worth saving up and buying what you really want. That also goes for saving up to go to events.

5. Get out and enjoy the scene

Fetish is meant to be enjoyed in real life, and there is no better way of doing that than going to fetish nights. Be that a regular night at your local fetish club, or huge international events like Folsom Europe, you'll meet loads of new friends and potential playmates and have the time of your life. I've met some incredible friends – and had some of the best sex of my life - through going to these events, so it's definitely worth saving for. You also need to support local nights and clubs. If you don't, they will go. It massively humbles me how many people come to Rubbermen of London at The Backstreet, but those same people need to start going when there is nothing in particular on, or go to some of the other nights. In an environment where gay bars are shutting at a rate of knots, we need to protect our safe fetish spaces.

6. Fetish doesn't have to be about community

It's absolutely fine to use the scene purely for sex, you don't have to give a shit about the community. Wanna go to a fetish night just for sex? Crack on! If you are invested in the community, then great, just don't get too caught up in it and feel pressured to have to 'be somebody'.

7. Discrimination is out there, don't be part of it

I've lost count of the amount of times men have looked me up and down and turned their nose up at me, even when we've been in the same social groups. It takes so much courage for some guys to even get the kit on, let alone leave the house in it and be open about their status or fetishes. If you don't fancy someone, there's no harm in supporting them. A smile and a hello will go a long way to help someone, never forget that and above all else, be supportive and considerate. If you're not attracted to someone, just be polite and say no.

8. Be safe!

Not just in terms of practising safe sex – I mean more about being safe and sensible in terms of playing. Don't enter into a situation with any random guy. Some of this shit is dangerous, and unless you can really trust the person you're going to play with you could wind up in a really bad situation. Do they have plenty of recent looking pictures of them? Do they listen to your concerns or take your opinion into consideration? Are they up for a drink first to gauge each other? Can you get a character reference of sorts from a friend? If you answer no to some of these when chatting to someone, approach with caution. Fetish sex is awesome, but it's not worth risking your life for. And remember that sometimes, fantasies should stay as fantasies.

9. Respect each other

It's so easy to get caught up in your fetish and your own excitement, but respecting other people is the most important thing. If someone has a fetish or likes something you don't, don't judge them or turn your nose up. If you're a pup, respect that some people don't want to be surrounded by barking or be pawed at by a stranger. If you're looking to hook up, don't just grope anyone, respect boundaries and learn how to cruise properly. Gear isn't consent, and not everyone wants to play with you.

10. Finally, don't take it seriously, it's just sex

Fetish should sit happily alongside your regular life. You don't need to 'come out' as a fetishist, and its fine if it stays separate from your everyday life, it's also fine if that line blurs a little too, mine certainly has. At the end of the day, always try to remember that it's still just about sex. The rest is just noise when it comes down to it. Enjoy it, have fun with it, experiment, and explore, and you'll have a great time. Its your fetish journey, do it your way.

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