MEMBER OPINION: The Fetishization of Straight Men: To Play or Not to Play? That Is the Question.
06 October 2021
Confession: naïveté is something that naturally plagues young people. Amid my novice experience and comprehension of the wider kink community, I couldn't grasp a very common sexual act: playing with straight men.
I was keenly aware of the fantastical challenge of "converting" straight men. What an ego trip for any non-straight man to be able to grab biological nature by the throat and choke it into homosexual submission. Straight men are (biologically) off limits to us, right? (Insert laughter here.) Actually, no, as I learned. I pose the question - besides the thrill and ego trip of managing to achieve any kind of sexual act with a straight man, why go there in the first place? Why play with a kind of man whom society tells us is superior to us—who is normal? Let's explore. . .
Firstly, from the dom's perspective, having a straight man in the sub role could be no different than playing with a non-straight man—except for sexual relations. For, BDSM play doesn't always culminate into something sexual. I recall a Recon member writing an article about how he didn't regard the sex/gender of his dom, for it didn't matter. As long as the dom is able to satisfy his needs as a sub, then he was fulfilled. Running with this idea, my naïveté shattered. Straight men can and do enjoy being dominated by another male, not because he's sexually attracted to men, but because male doms naturally emit an innate dominant energy that uniquely compensates a straight sub's desire to be dominated.
Granted, bi-curious people exist. And it's important to highlight this aspect. Sexuality could have something to do with it, as well. I soon concluded that for bi-curious men, kink (bondage, impact play, servitude, etc.) is a starting off point on which straight men can commence their bi-curious journeys, eventually arriving at some kind of homosexual act, ranging from light kissing, to jerking off one's dom, to anal sex and anything and everything in between.
Putting bicuriosity aside, let's return to the idea of "converting." It's essential that we remind ourselves that there is a genuine difference between sexual attraction vs. sexual stimulation. Nerve endings are nerve endings, and any force that triggers such nerve endings on genitalia is processed as sexual stimuli. Just as straight men could be stimulated by another man via oral sex, for example, a gay man could be stimulated by a woman giving him oral sex. This doesn't mean there is attraction, plainly that the nerves are being stimulated. I mention this because that is enough for some non-straight men: getting consent from a straight guy to blow him and do so in a way that makes him have no choice but to compare his blowjob experiences between that of a woman and a man and hoping he realizes that he actually enjoyed the blowjob in comparison to what his female partners had done to him in the past. This is undoubtedly a sharp stab wound in the heteronormative glass castle that society has built. The absence of same-sex attraction is irrelevant when the stimulation is just that good. So, sometimes straight men regularly seek out other men for oral sex.
I have to interject and ask, what about Gay4Pay porn? Adult content consumers flock to these sites because straight men (or straight-passing men) fuck each other. Knowing that the participants are straight (or at least we're told they are) adds to the thrill. It's taboo. It's dangerous. It's shocking because it's not supposed to happen, so, like anything else that isn't supposed to happen, it became popularly sexualized. Not to mention that when money (a lot of it) is at stake, rules and traditions usually get thrown out the window.
Heterosexuality is a fetish.
I discussed straight subs, but what about straight doms? This is perhaps what surprised me the most. Full disclosure, I initially perceived this to be homophobic and self-loathing. Doesn't this dynamic further promote the stereotypes that straight men are real men and those who aren't are faggots? It spells out homophobia so clearly and yet it's wildly popular. Why give these straight men more ammo? So, I researched. And once again my naïveté was palpable. I resent myself for judging bi and gay subs for wanting to be dominated by straight doms. All relationships in life, to some extent, are presented as a greater than/lesser than, dominant/submissive, superior/inferior dynamic. And while so many of those dynamics are based in bigotry and insecurity and greed, many are natural, like parent-to-child. Consenting to getting dominated by a straight dom because he is straight, not only subverts the absurd notion that somehow heterosexuality is superior to other sexual orientations, but also helps control the narrative in a private, safe setting.
How many amateur straight doms have profited off of dominating non-straight subs? What happens is standard stuff: muscle worship, verbal degradation, foot worship, poppers, and financial domination. As most doms and subs know, we need the other to survive, sexually speaking. We balance each other out, fulfilling our deviant desires. Non-straight subs feed off of straight alpha energy and find it erotic; servicing that straight dominant man like I said, subverts the norm that heterosexuality is superior, but it also plays into the converting challenge as well. Just like how straight subs need a man to dominate them to compensate a void, perhaps straight doms need the same. As anyone who's been there can attest to, playing with different sexes is different and sometimes something lacks. There are people who separate BDSM from sex and disregard the sex/gender of the dom or sub, but for others that's not always the case. While so many straight doms are paid to dominate non-straight subs, and money is therefore the main motivating factor, perhaps, too, there is a psychological need that straight doms have to dominate other men. And while I hope this does not bleed out into the real world and convince straight doms that subs like to be treated this way in real life, it does however, in the privacy of the consensual dynamic, provide a real psychological release for the straight dom.
This therefore balances the power dynamic between the straight dom and non-straight sub. The power exchange for both is quite thrilling and again, what an ego trip for the non-straight sub that the straight dom is dependent on him!
Quick question: would straight doms be interested in dominating straight subs? I'm not so sure. But I propose that it's not the same kind of thrill. Because again, like heterosexuality is fetishized as a psychological and/or sexual fetish, so is homosexuality. And oddly enough, for such a dynamic to work, opposites do attract and balance the other out. I hope this has a lasting effect that straight men respect the manhood of non-straight men.
I finish this opinion piece with my own personal take. As a sub, I like my doms to be at least somewhat attracted to me sexually. Therefore, I cannot imagine myself being dominated by a straight man. I also have no desire to orally pleasure a straight man or even bend over for one. The "converting" challenge isn't appealing to me. Would I be willing to play with bi-curious straight men? Sure, should it help clarify their identity.
Despite being mainly submissive, I do have a dom side, though it's provoked by only specific circumstances. I realized that dominating a straight man is quite erotic to me. Maybe it's rooted in latent heterophobia, I don't know; but I'd love to dominate a straight guy, and, in that vein, I do have a heterosexuality fetish. I enjoy coming across straight men's profiles on Recon and seeing what they fantasize about and desire. After all, many sites breed content about gay doms dominating and fucking straight male subs, which is highly erotic to me, and no doubt to others.
So, straight men, to play or not to play? That is the question. Whether tis nobler the straight guy….
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