Whether you'd classify yourself as a sub, slave, boy, bottom or another term entirely, one thing is fairly true across the board, finding the right Dom/Master/Sir/top for you isn't always a straightforward process. Let's face it, one man's ideal Dom might not be Dom enough for another.
In an effort to help out any newbies, we thought we'd layout a few basic tips.
**For the purposes of this article, we'll refer to active and passive roles as Dom and sub**
1. Consider what makes a good Dom
It's not just about giving orders, a truly good Dom has self-control, good communication skills and is respectful. These may sound like characteristics listed on a job ad, but here's why they matter:
Self-control is vital as a Dom must be able to exercise self-restraint before they can control you. They need to communicate and listen well, so both of you can share any anxieties or concerns, and so you can feel confident in both expressing your desires and being able to slow things down if you need to.
Ideally, they should respect you and your level of experience. Any concerns that you might have before going to a meet are perfectly valid, so bear them in mind when looking.
2. Decide whether you are compatible
There's no standard Dom/sub pairing. If he's into bikers but you prefer puppy play, he might not be the guy for you. Search for someone who shares the same kinks. Equally, being upfront about what you like can help you attract a good match. You don't need to be 100% into the same things – sometimes the most fun can be found when you or a good Dom pushes you to try something new – but usually it's a good indicator.
It's always a good idea to keep your Recon profile updated when you discover a taste for new things. This way potential Doms can get a sense of whether you guys would play well together in advance.
3. Ensure you can trust them
Trust is a major contributing factor towards a healthy Dom/sub partnership. As the one who could be chained/flogged/etc, you need to trust the other guy. A healthy bet is to find someone who's as bothered about you after the play as they are about you during it.
4. Take your time
Finding the perfect fit takes time. You need to do some research, weigh up your options and make sure you're comfortable with any steps you take. You could go out tonight and find a willing Dom, but who's to say whether you'd be compatible.
A good idea is talking to other subs on Recon who are into the same things as you, asking them what to look for in a Dom, and asking for recommendations in your area. You should also have a good look at the Dom's profile. Things such as how many friends they've got and how many photos of actual play they have will help you gauge their experience and "reputation".
5. Use Recon
Identifying a good Dom isn't going to happen in the supermarket (though…it has been known), and not everyone can get to fetish and kink clubs regularly. Recon exists so that you can master your fetish evolution, meet guys and try out the things you crave – so use us.
On our site and apps, you can freely read profiles and message Doms – sizing them up in the comfort of your own home. What's more, by stating your own preferences, you'll increase your chances of being approached by a Dom looking for a sub like you. In which case, don't be shy, get it all out there and get yourself started.
These tips are fairly standard, but they're not necessarily universal. Every guy has different needs and wants, and these points might not all apply to you. They are a good basis, though, so keep them in mind when you're on your hunt.