(For ease of reference, in this article, we refer to the active role as 'Dom' and the passive role as 'sub'.)
If you're new to BDSM, finding the right sub can sometimes be a difficult process. There's a lot of information out there on how to find a Dominant partner, but not so much on finding your ideal sub. Part of the problem lies in the fact that many subs will expect a Dom to be in control and know what he wants, but everyone needs to start somewhere.
As our previous blog, Tips for new subs on finding a good Dom, received a good response, we thought we'd share some basics on finding a sub for the less experienced Doms out there.
Figure out what you want
When looking for a sub, it's important you're clear about what it is that you want. Dom can represent a vast range of different things; it's not just about kinks and how far you want to take things. Take an inward look at yourself – how Dom are you? What sort of D/s relationship would you like? Casual? 24/7? Sexual and/or domestic servitude? It's only when you have answers to these questions that you can accurately start looking for a sub who matches your needs and will be loyal.
What does a good sub look like?
Before you start actively looking, you need to think about what a good sub looks like to you. We're not talking about physical characteristics – though these obviously play a part - we mean what makes a good sub? A big factor is real submissiveness. Being a sub is a commitment to relinquishing control to another person, possibly across several aspects of their life. This exchange of power is a conscious, consented choice. Therefore, it needs to be genuine and serious. Of course, you'll both talk and set limits prior to any play, but you need to make sure that the sub – for at least the duration of a session - is committed to it.
The D/s dynamic often spills into social events – parties, meets etc. In which case, you want a sub who will reflect well on you, who remembers his place and is well-behaved. Ideally he shouldn't argue, be rude or argumentative.
Bear in mind, however, that submissive doesn't mean weak. A good sub should be intelligent, respectful, strong and perceptive enough to anticipate what his Dom wants and needs. It's a two-way street. If there's an issue, it should be discussed at an appropriate opportunity.
What level of involvement do you require?
Another point to bear in mind, and one that can cause annoyance, is that you need to discuss the level of involvement you and the sub expect from each other. Some subs may prefer to put limited effort in and receive all the pleasure. Some subs might work too hard for your tastes, and their eagerness to satisfy you might put you off. Everyone approaches their role in different ways, and this is why it's important to have a conversation about what you need from each other, and how you should go about it – otherwise you could both end up dissatisfied.
Check out Recon, of course
We're bound to suggest this, but the truth is you're significantly more likely to find willing subs on Recon than through other medium – and from the comfort of your home. Online is undoubtedly the best platform for finding a sub, especially if you're new and a bit uncertain. Browse through the profiles of hundreds of men - who will have clearly stated their sub inclinations - get chatting and take it from there.
Chat with other Doms about your tastes and how to actualise them. Ask for advice and pointers. Not everyone will be able to help, but there's plenty of guys out there who'll give you some tips. Getting some first-hand advice will always come in handy.