My name is Dominion and I am a Master. I have been kinky since childhood, when I used to make my best friend pull down his pants so I could spank him. I've been a Dom for most of my adult life, both personally and professionally. I have been active in the Leather/Kink/Fetish community for almost 15 years as a participant and educator, and for the last 5 years, I have been a Master to a slave and a boy. Now I am not claiming to know everything about the M/s community, but I do know enough to keep me and mine happy, and whenever someone asks me to teach them how to be a Master, I lead with these rules.
1. Respect and Consent are Key
You must first understand that you are in a relationship with someone. They may not be your boyfriend/partner/spouse, but remember that they are still autonomous human beings with feelings, desires, and needs. If they are not happy, they will make it known, one way or another. Sometimes they make it known by leaving.
Be mindful that you are NOT ACTUALLY their master. You do not have the power of life and death over them. They should not be in fear of you, and even as a Master, you must have the consent of the mastered. There is no Power Exchange relationship where consent is not required.
Even the use of terms such as Master and slave require consent. Outside of my slave and my boy, no one is required, encouraged, or even asked to call me Master or Sir or anything other than Dominion. Some are triggered by the words Master and slave due to their connection to the system of chattel slavery practiced in the western hemisphere. Others simply do not wish to refer to anyone as Master/Mistress or similar honorifics. One of those people was my mother. After a childhood spent in Montgomery, Alabama in the 1950s and 60s, she EXPLICITLY discouraged my sister and I from referring to anyone as Sir/Ma'am because of her racist experiences being FORCED to do so.
My slave and boy call me Master because they respect my position, to differing degrees, at the head of their life. Similarly, I use those terms to describe them out of respect for the power we have exchanged, at their invitation.
2. Educate yourself
Understand that the M/s dynamic is a relationship of choice, unlike those forced to endure chattel slavery. Those slaves had no choice. They could not leave, nor refuse a request/ command from the master or mistress or really any white person. They could not even say no to unwanted sex. In fact, the rape of slaves was so common that it was an expected part of growing up in some places.
My slave and my boy have 100% freedom. We all agree to play at this game of Power Exchange. Because it IS a game, we understand, respect, and play by the rules. We also understand that anyone is free to leave the game at any time. Educating yourself on these rules is a group exercise, requiring negotiation on all sides.
You must also educate yourself on the activities you plan to undertake. Never oversell yourself. As kinksters, the activities we engage in require knowledge and often training. Fisting someone is more than just sticking your fist in someone's vagina or rectum. It is understanding the anatomy of those body parts and how they function. It is how to prepare for the scene and how to be ready in case things don't go as planned.
Remember that master is a noun: "a skilled practitioner of a particular art or activity"; an adjective: "having or showing very great skill or proficiency"; and a verb: "acquire complete knowledge or skill in (an accomplishment, technique, or art)".
3. Never create a rule/protocol you can't/ won't enforce
Remember that every protocol that you put in place will require some action from you if not performed. Every morning, my slave is supposed to wake me up with a blowjob and take my load in his hole. Sounds awesome doesn't it? But think about it. That means that I have to get up every morning to get sucked off and fuck him, no matter how tired I am, or how much I'd rather just sleep in. I also have to have a consequence in place if he oversleeps (it's only happened twice in 5 years).
Slaves do things for their Master because they get pleasure and/or fulfillment from providing for them. What do you think will happen if I wave the slave off after he's gotten up early to clean out and prepare? One time is forgivable, I suppose, but if it becomes a pattern, he'll become reluctant to prep and there will come that one morning when you are super horny, anticipating a BJ and some ass and there he is dead asleep. This leads to the next rule…
4. Be open to change
You should be willing to listen to your slave and act on their concerns. Check in with them to make sure they are happy and fulfilled in the relationship. Kink relationships will require re-negotiation as people grow deeper into (or out of) their kinks and fetishes. Someone who was into watersports for years may suddenly not be into it anymore. Maybe they used to only want to be pissed ON, and now they want to be pissed IN. Human beings are constantly evolving, and a good Master will not fight that change. Also check in with yourself. Your needs and desires will change with time and it is not a sign of weakness to want to re-negotiate aspects of your Dynamic.
Unfortunately, this also means that sometimes one or more parties to the Dynamic may grow beyond it. Sometimes the change that is needed is letting go, and it will be the mark of your maturity as a Master as to how you handle the end of the relationship
5. Know the difference between Dominance and Aggression
You do not have to be an asshole to be a Dominant person or a Master. You can exert authority over people and situations without raising your voice, being physical, or threatening people. Being a Master does not mean you have to be the loudest voice in the room; it means being the voice whose direction is followed.
Aggression is fine and even welcome in play activities, but it is unlikely to be a sustainable tactic to maintain a Dynamic.
6. Have fun
Your Dynamic should not feel like work. If it does, you probably have too many rules that govern it. The exciting think about kink is that we get to live the fullest expression of ourselves through the sexual activities in which we partake and the relationships we cultivate. Never be afraid to reassess where you are as you move through your journey.
I hope you found these rules helpful. They are by no means all -inclusive, but more of a starting point. Also, remember that these are rules for the Dynamic, not individual activities. You need to have specific consent discussions for those activities and prep for them.
Here's hoping you have fun on your Power Exchange journey.
Dominion is the PledgeMaster and co-Founder of ONYX Mid-Atlantic. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. His weekly video podcast, The BGKH Show with Dominion & Epic returns to Youtube on Wednesdays at 8pm eastern, starting August 5, 2020.