MEMBER ARTICLE: My Affiliation With Emotion And Pain
25 October 2023
I believe I might have a new boyfriend, or at least an interested party. If you read my last post, that might not be what you'd expect to hear from me. I'm a little surprised myself.
A while back, I'd been really looking forward to CumUnion, in San Francisco. But at dinner on the evening of the event, I realized that I didn't want to go. And honestly, I had to sit with that for a minute. Fond memories of my last – pre-pandemic – visit to Blow Buddies in San Francisco had played on my mind for weeks. I had a routine: I spent the first hour or so at the gloryholes getting my dick sucked, then wandered around the club, surrendering my holes to anyone who wanted a go. Last time, there was this one guy who found me, bent me over, and had at it. We fucked for a while; he called a couple of guys over to join, we'd fuck, and we'd part until he found me again for a repeat. I'd been looking forward to another such experience ever since! But right there, over dinner, I decided that I didn't want to go.
As my interests have turned to kink and BDSM, my desire for raunchy sex of the quantitative variety has waned. I still had my moments, but my lack of interest in going wasn't really about that. Generally speaking, I keep my sexual expression compartmentalized from my emotions and from the rest of my life and my relationships. But my exploration of, and experience in kink and BDSM, have really challenged me in that regard, and I realized I wasn't interested in going because I would be missing something. It would be fun; it just wouldn't be what I wanted.
I decided to go back to my hotel instead, get stoned, and see where my thoughts led.
My sex life isn't completely segregated, nor has it been entirely anonymous. I have partners whom I've played with for years, and there are some with whom the lines have blurred. And that got me thinking about my play partners, the differences in the experiences from one to the other, submission and how I experience it, and its possibilities.
When I once asked someone if they felt that I was a pain slut, they said they thought that I enjoyed pain more when in service of a relationship. At the time I didn't get it. I thought, "if I like pain, what does my relationship to the pain-giver have to do with it?" The sensations are the sensations.
That said, in the context of BDSM, there are specific partners with whom I actually feel like I'm submitting in a real way - my head is engaged, and I feel that I'm in a submissive state or frame of mind. With others it just feels like kinky things are being done to me. But there is a difference when I feel an emotional attachment.
The first example is with a guy who fucks me mercilessly. The intensity is such that the internal orgasms are almost painful. There were times early on that I would often turn him down when he wanted to play because I didn't think I could take it. Yet, there was something about the connection that continues to draw me to him and the simultaneous desire for, and fear of my submission to him.
The second illustration involves a police baton - repeated strikes to the same spot on my thigh, and the resulting 'button' that was very red (then turned purple), raised, and hurt like a MF for days. Out of all the things I have experienced, that was the hardest in the moment. And yet, I would have consented to more if asked.
It's only in retrospect that I understand both the emotional connection to these partners and appreciate the degree of trust I place in them. I've backed into these relationships, and I'm truly fortunate to have done so. I realize these connections fuel my desires. And it's this, that leads me back to the interested party.
We met after I joined their Discord server, upon the recommendation of a friend. We would chat intermittently on the server, about a variety of things, and we interacted physically for the first time at a rope workshop and demonstration they led, and that I nervously decided to attend. At the demo, they called me out unexpectedly, used me briefly as a demo sub, and then during the workshop, or play part of the event, bound my chest and arms, and literally tossed me around the room for the rest of the evening. I could feel the pull into submission as they began to tie the rope and I remember the moment I decided I could trust and let go.
In the end, it turns out they were right about the relationship piece. I do enjoy pain more in the service of a relationship where there is an exchange beyond the physical sensation. My interests run the gamut: bondage, impact play, CBT, breath control, piercing (needles), and erotic hypnosis. But submission in the context of a relationship means so much more. It's not just about finding one's limits. It's about developing and sharing a language, and a history, and pushing one's limits in the pleasure of another. Submission has a depth that I'm just now coming into.
One of the things that they made clear to me as we've gotten to know each other, is that for this/us to work, there needs to be a social component - engagement with other members of their family. While I am anxiously open to that, it bumps up against some hard truths about how, when, and the degree to which I typically affiliate. I've been reading about attachment theory, and I have come to understand a bit about the push/pull I engage in interpersonally, and how when it matters, I freeze up.
And although it has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated that they have modified their expectations of me, (in the context of this relationship) the bottom line is that for me to continue to grow into this expression and experience of myself, I need to embrace a more holistic approach.
By the way… later that night of the aborted CumUnion event, I hooked up with a partner I've been playing with for over 15 years. I guess, connections have always meant more to me than I have been willing to acknowledge.
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