Learning to appreciate and accept myself through someone else's eyes.
I'm 30 years old, 1m70 tall and I weight 90 kilos. I used to do Martial Arts; it helps conceal the fact I am overweight. I look plump. I think. I don't like myself very much anyhow, so I'll find ways and words to belittle myself so that I can eat comfort food later on. Preferably fast food. The mix of sugar and fat is as deadly as it is addictive.
As a child I was fat but thanks to special diet called "no snacking in between meals and eating smaller plates of food", I was able to shed most of it to the point that at 17, I was only 59 kilos and fit as fuck (sports every day after school helped). But it came apart when I left home for university in a small student flat, away from my parents whom I could only see at Christmas or during summer vacations.
I could cook rather well, but there were two enemies I hadn't accounted for: laziness and loneliness. When you're home alone with no friends to see, or places to go, you stop having a standard for yourself and you'd rather eat pizzas and kebabs to get that surge of endorphins rather than take the time to shop for groceries, prepare, cook, eat and do the dishes. I always had an excuse as to why I "deserved to treat myself".
After 10 years, finding a group of loyal friends and therapy, I've finally taken notice of my depression and lack of self-love and it's been an uphill inner battle since then. But before that, I had unknowingly tried other things to help me deal with it. I've been:
-a Furry since I was 17 years old -to 2 years of Acting School from 18 to 20 -a Kinkster since I was 21 -a Roleplayer since I was 25 -a puppy and handler since I was 26 -a Larper since I was 27
All small group activities. All aimed at fitting a narrative either designed by someone else or by your partners and you. All about giving you a small-scale stage where others look at or perform with you. All about creating a character that is not you but still... kinda feels and looks like you. When I play my characters, I'm still driving but it feels like I'm in the backseat or the trunk, watching from afar. Every action, reaction, move and decision I do while in character seems to matter, have weight and feels important. I shed all my fears because the character doesn't have them, I always know what to do because the skills he needs and uses are as defined as his goals, wants and needs. Also, all relationships are clear, and the goal of each conversation isn't stressful because both parties know what they want out of it. But above all, it's all fictional. Whether I'm a vampire, a private detective, a Panda, a Puppy, a master or a 300-year-old dwarf, it gives me a feeling of fearlessness that I just can't insert or replicate in my life. If I have a bad day or fail at one my objectives, it has no consequences over my life other than "Damn, I could have done otherwise... well better luck next time!". As an autistic person (exact diagnostic pending), social interactions are a constant challenge and very energy demanding. All those characters, stories and creations have allowed me to "rehearse" many types of social situations, even if some of them may seem implausible or stupid when taken out of context, because people still act like people no matter the settings they are in.
I've been thriving in fictional and semi-fictional settings, playing with and pleasing people for almost 13 years now, and for 13 years, my audiences have complimented, worshipped, laughed with and fucked my different personas, characters and avatars. They seem to like them more than me and I'm getting tired of that. I think I might be getting ready for my characters to step back a bit to see if I can start doing it on my own. Wish me luck?
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