MEMBER OPINION: Relationships with non-fetish people
20 November 2017
By Recon member riconfire
I've been a Recon user for many years. Surely for more than 15 years. I love being part of this community of incredible people who fearlessly live their most intimate desires. Maybe I'm not exactly into the same things that all of you guys are, but I feel connected to each one of you for the simple fact that we are all trying to live our fetishes and kinks, whether looking for photos, chatting with members or going out to events. Regardless of the amount, intensity and types of experiences we have had, we are all fetishists.
On the other hand, we are human beings. We are people who have feelings, needs, and sometimes the desire to be part of a relationship. And, in the process of meeting someone, we can find that special someone who has lots of things in common, but not fetish. This can be very common in cities and countries where the fetish culture is not so common.
And to make this situation worse, fetish can be taboo to some of us. It is not unusual to find Recon members who don't talk about their fetish even to their friends or partners. I used to be one of those people. My fetish was something I lived secretly, like a second life. Outside this world, no one knew about my kinks.
As I started to chat with Recon members, and occasionally meet some of them, I slowly began to discover a community of fetish people in my city, São Paulo, and figured out how good the fetish life makes me feel. In other words, my fetish evolution was getting underway.
In my vanilla life, though, I was in a 6-year relationship with a guy. This relationship came to an end for a number of reasons. One of them was not having any fetish connections him, though today he is a good friend of mine. Ending a relationship can be a long, painful process, but it was the best outcome for me.
But such stories don't always need to have a sad ending. I asked my friend Recon member tatsuo to share with us his story with his boyfriend, which has lasted for more than 25 years. Here's what he had to say:
"My boyfriend and I first met almost 26 years ago. At that time, I was already a real fetish enthusiast, but I didn't imagine that there was a leather/BDSM scene around here. All these things seemed to be distant and to exist only abroad. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has always been vanilla and old-fashioned. He has, though, a look that attracts me: fair skin, glasses, a bit nerdy, a bit intellectual. In one of the first encounters, he showed up wearing black clothes, leather boots and jackets (which he borrowed from his brother-in-law). At that time, he didn't imagine that I was attracted to this kind of look. I was already attracted to him and, in that moment, I fell in love with him. Some years later, now in a steady relationship, and in the early days of Internet, I discovered that there were some fetish guys who were meeting up and having their first leather party at a bar named Station. At that time, I started to attend these parties and to meet other guys who were into and wore all the gear that turned me on. My boyfriend had rarely worn black or leather boots since we met. I even gave him a leather jacket that became mouldy in his wardrobe.
He went to some parties with me but, after a few ones, he didn't want go anymore. Nothing of this scene interested him. I kept on attending those parties alone and making friends in the leather world. It came to a point that I wanted to dive a bit further in this fetish scene. That's when I proposed him to open up our relationship or else we would end up breaking up. We then decided to open the relationship. My relationship with Tato, my boyfriend, persists to this day and I am grateful to him for allowing me to live my fetish life, which is so important to me. We have been doing a lot of things together, building a relationship of friendship even among our families. I often say that our relationship is not ideal or perfect but it is a real and true one, where respect, trust and love speak louder than conflicts."
Analysing both situations, I could say that, for us fetishists, it can be very hard to leave the fetish life aside, should we choose to for the sake of a vanilla partner. It can be possible to spend a couple of months not thinking of fetish and having vanilla sex experiences (even if this is just a jerk off to vanilla porn), but when least expected, those old desires may come back and become more intense, if they are not put into practice.
To any fetishist reading with a vanilla boyfriend, I advise you to talk to your partner about your fetishes, no matter how awkward that could make you feel. If your partner really loves you, he will try to understand you. And, to those of you who have just met that special person, I strongly advise you to talk about your fetishes since the very beginning.
By doing so, maybe your relationship will not last long and you'll be single again to (hopefully) meet a fetish partner. Maybe your partner will be ok with you having some fetish adventures once in a while. Maybe you will help your partner to discover his fetish side (don't forget to introduce Recon to him!). These three outcomes are better than living a secret fetish life, or not living it at all. Fetish is an important part of you (at least that's what I assume) and cannot be overlooked.
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