A large, dimly lit room, bodies in various stages of undress—some in head-to-toe leather, others bare-chested except for studded harnesses, and still others wearing almost nothing at all. Along one wall stand crosses, spanking benches, and stocks, with full length mirrors placed to let victims witness their own punishment. Groups cluster around these structures, for scenes of bondage and impact play. In one corner, a man deftly slips needles under his victim's fingernails. Elsewhere, a man is rigged up into suspension bondage. A hallway leads to private rooms and glory holes where couples and groups can become more intimate. A BDSM club like this seems like the last place you'd expect to find an asexual, but there I was, being tugged along by the leather chord my dom had attached to my collar, feeling like a kid in a candy store. Aside from the collar I wore very little else: cuffs on my wrists and ankles so I could be restrained in a matter of seconds, and a pair of briefs. My dom had rigged a chain that hooked to the back of my collar and clipped onto my underwear, tugging them into a tight wedgie for all to see.
My Dom passed me off to others for rope bondage, flogging, fire cupping, and more. Of course, he also spirited me into a private room to have his own fun with me. That was the first kinky party I ever attended. I had a great time but felt strangely incognito. In a place as sexually charged as a BDSM playroom, how would people react if they knew I identified as asexual?
Asexuality is one of the less common sexual identities, and because of this there seem to be some stigmas and misinformation surrounding it. Put simply, asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. Like all sexualities it exists on a spectrum: some asexual people are fine with having sex, others are repulsed by it, yet others feel sexual attraction only in specific situations. Though some asexuals don't experience romantic attraction (an orientation called aromantic), others find themselves romantically attracted to one or more genders, and many asexual people are interested in pursuing romantic relationships. Though I can't speak for all asexual people, my own experience may shed some light on a sexuality that is rarely discussed in kinky spaces.
I have had strong emotional and romantic connections to other men, but for whatever reason, wanting to have sex isn't necessarily a component of my attraction. This doesn't mean I don't have a libido; I do. My experience as an asexual with a sex drive is best described by thinking of a refrigerator. You've likely had the experience of being really hungry, but when you open up the fridge, nothing inside looks appetizing. That's how I feel in regard to sex. I long for satisfying sexual experiences, but I don't find myself sexually attracted to the people around me, or sexually interested in the same things that most other men are. Kink is the one thing that consistently offers the satisfaction I'm looking for.
What interests me about kink is that it isn't sex. Kink can be sexually engaging without requiring actual sexual contact. Though actual sex turns me off, being under the control of a dom through bondage and other means has kept me in a state of intensely pleasurable arousal time and time again.
As a sub, my key word is "control." I love giving complete control to a dom and knowing that I cannot get it back until the dom allows it. I enjoy curating a menu of potential activities with a dom, and then letting him take the reigns to work through the range of things we're both interested in at his own pace and discretion. Effective bondage is an immediate way to transfer all power over to the dom, and a sure-fire way to turn me on. Anything from a simple pair of handcuffs to full-body mummification is welcome, though I find that the more intense the bondage, the more fun I find it.
Blindfolds and gags only enhance the experience. When able to speak, I tend to dom from the bottom, but a gag provides a quick fix for this and leaves me feeling even more blissfully helpless. An effective gag and blindfold send me to that safe and secure subspace, knowing that I have nothing in the world to worry about except to endure (and enjoy) whatever the dom sees fit to give me. I'm happy to be kept bound, gagged, blindfolded, and left to struggle for hours at a time, and if a dom wants to add a layer of pleasure or pain, so much the better.
Truly the rush of subspace is unique to kink, which is another reason I love it. Once securely bound, I enjoy having a dom use my body against me, overwhelming me with sensations until I feel completely knocked out of my body and into that euphoric headspace where the rest of the world falls away. This can take many forms. A good, long edging session transforms my body into a single, sharpened want, and the alternate arousal and frustration that comes from being denied orgasm again and again only serves to reinforce the fact that I am no longer in control of my body. The mind-fuck of cum control is a great trip, not knowing whether a dom will finally let me blow my load. I love to be edged to the point that it is no longer fun for me and becomes literal torture, just to prove that the dom is completely in power. A bit of pain brought into the mix from impact play, CBT, tit torture, and estim can heighten the pleasure by providing contrast. I appreciate a dom who gently pushes my boundaries, teaching me that I can endure more than I thought I could.
I also have a serious underwear fetish. In fact, I prefer a man in a pair of briefs over a naked man any day. My profile name is a variant on the phrase "Tighty Whities for Life," indicating my undie preference. As my outfit at the BDSM party suggests, I have a wedgie fetish, and enjoy having my briefs yanked. The pressure a wedgie puts on the ass and groin can be an intense blend of pain and pleasure, while also creating a clear hierarchy of power and adding humiliation to boot. If you're curious about wedgie play, I'd love to be your victim, or give you some tips.
It can be difficult navigating kinky spaces as an asexual. There are lots of people I find I'm not compatible with, simply because I'm not interested in fucking. However, I've found there are plenty of doms who enjoy restraining a sub and exploring his body, applying sensations of pleasure and pain while the sub writhes and moans through his gag. Though there are some things I don't enjoy, I am open to new experiences, and there are plenty of kinks and fantasies I would love to explore. The world of kink is wide enough that there is something for everyone, even asexual people who may not enjoy the act of sex itself. If you find yourself connecting with a kinky asexual, give it a chance; you might discover you're a perfect match.
If you'd like to share your personal experiences of fetish and kink in a member article, send your ideas or a fist draft to: firstname.lastname@example.org