MEMBER ARTICLE: Losing yourself (literally) to fetish
01 February 2021
Having an identity is overrated. Don't get me wrong, it is practical for your everyday life - my face and name help a lot with everything from getting a job to not getting arrested by the police - but people just get SO annoyingly obnoxious and protective about their whole identity. We have all seen the reactions of complete disgust when a name is misspelled. It might happen during a roll call in a class, or on a Starbucks cup, but you honestly will never forgive that poor professor or waiter for having botched your name.
It is understandable. From a sociological point of view, our identity includes way more than just an appearance and a name. If I get a little Bourdieu on this train of thought (yeah sorry, I am still a pretentious French guy), through our social relations, we acquire our way of thinking, of perceiving the world, of acting and of interacting with each other. Like one of my teachers said, you can think of people as onions, you can peel every layer to understand how each of their experiences created a part of their personality.
So, what happens if you entirely peel the onion? (you cry, but the onion is a metaphorical person, okay?) What remains of someone if you strip him from every last bit of their identity? And how does it feel to see every last bit of yourself being torn apart?
Answer: IT IS THE MOST AMAZING FEELING EVER. I could compare the first time I lost my identity to the first time I came. My clothes were confiscated from me at the beginning of the session. I was leashed and cuffed on the floor. The guy forced me that night to drink and eat directly from a bowl. I had been treated as something completely dependent from his will.
And at one point, I even blanked out. I recall myself, eyes wide open, my whole body limp, drooling on the floor. No thoughts in my head. Silence. Actually, here I have lied. I have begun my sentences saying "I was" but I was no more! At this point, there was just some kind of obedient larva. It even had to be fed by hand with porridge!
From then on, every BDSM and fetish practice I would enjoy had to target my identity. I wanted to get that feeling of mindlessness again. I experimented with erotic hypnosis to help myself let go of my existence. Each time I would get myself into a BDSM session, I would enjoy feeling myself vanish from this earthly plane.
It even had a therapeutic effect. Each time I would erase myself, I would also be able to distance myself from any existential anxiety or daily worry I could have. That could be a surprise for you that a gay dude enjoying being tied up, spat on or called a bastard would have personal issues in his life (sarcasm mode off), but relegating my identity helped me to dissociate myself with my environment. Even more than a post-masturbation clarity, I would be able to rationalise any problem or threat and deal calmly with it.
And as nature hates void, I happened to develop new fetish personas - coincidentally as I started wearing masks! There is of course Dog Ewan, named by one of my Masters. Then, there is RO-2502, a drone programmed by a dear friend hypnotist, usually he wakes up each time I put a gas mask on. You have Kink Boy, my superhero identity, who acts up a lot but usually ends up powerless by some villain's mischief. And there might be even more coming up, depending on how my Master handles me next time (and yes, my therapist loves me). Each time I put on a mask I would get that sense of liberation, as each of my personas would take a shift in my life. Even as I walk in a bar, I would notice how bystanders would change their behaviour depending on my identity. As a drone, I would be ordered around like a sentient piece of furniture. As a dog, I would get belly rubs and my favourite bartender would pour my drink in a dog bowl with a sadistic grin.
Having no identity (or many) is the most thrilling experience I've had with BDSM. Of course, if you start playing with yours, I highly recommend you do it with trustworthy partners and to always remember: it is a game, nothing less, nothing more. You will always have to revert to your original identity. But at least, you might understand it a little bit more!
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