MEMBER ARTICLE: Seeking and Finding Dominance at 1.90m

MEMBER ARTICLE: Seeking and Finding Dominance at 1.90m

from Recon News

09 November 2021

By FistBearBerlin

I am not a SUB!

Most of the hook-ups I arrange on Recon, or elsewhere, are pretty much pure sex dates. Meet. Have fun. No more, no less. That's perfectly fine. A good sex date can sometimes be repeated, which is better for some types of play. Sometimes at home, sometimes in a sex club. I'm not looking for ultimate dominance games, master/slave play, but for equal sex with reasonably clear top/bottom roles is my ting. Or? Ok… sometimes vers.

Seeking and finding dominance.

Being over 1.90m body height, over 120 kilos (untrained) body mass and quite self-aware, it's difficult for me, as a bottom, to find a counterpart who can "credibly" take a dominant role, and "may" take it. Because of my physicality, when a 1.70m and 65kg guy stands in front of me, it's hard for me to imagine how he would dominate me. There's a mental block when it comes to allowing a loss of control. This means I become the dominant bottom, which most tops can't do much with. And admittedly, I want my top to do what he does without involving me in the details. Giving up control is so damned hard. Is this hard just for me?

Having to "accept" someone else's dominance over me is a long way off in my everyday life. I am definitely a dominant character and I'm goal-driven in my work life. My boss lets me do what I want (which is mostly likely easier for him) as long as the results are good. Colleagues know how to "take" me, and the cleverer ones have learned how to "manipulate" me so that I do what they want, without me getting pissed off and becoming confrontational (because I recognise their manipulation), and somehow, I think it's great how they've found a way.

Forced dominance doesn't work for me. Neither for myself, nor when I see it in others. Sometimes I'm amused by someone's profile text when I read that they want to be a "sex slave" and willingly be available as a "victim" for explicitly listed sexual play. Where's the victim part in that? You describe exactly what "you" want your "master" to do. If these aren't the ultimate service top seekers! Or am I just not understanding something here?

Voluntary submission.

Dominance over me is a gift I give to someone. I grant "you" the right to dominate me. In return, I still expect you not to take advantage of it or abuse it. The few situations in which I sexually dominated and even topped were always associated with voluntary submission. I loved to ask them if they really wanted this, and I loved to say, "look me in the eye and say you want this". The mixture of desire and fear of saying, "yes I want you to do that" is indescribable. I have experienced boys and men who went beyond their limits, who found satisfaction in seeing that I had fun exploring their limits. Pushing them, and sometimes going further than they had previously expressed, with just a little persuasion.

The first time.

A few months ago, I had my first (as I see it) real "sub" experience. That my top would top me was clear. Boundaries were discussed. But what surprised me then, and to this day, was that while he never became a DOM, I made myself a sub. This guy was only top, 15-20cm shorter than me, half my weight, slightly defined (which I love) – but not overly muscular. Not physically domineering at all. But it wasn't a demanded or forced submission that made me want to take every golden drop of piss from him (and it wasn't the watered-down variety). At first, I didn't want it. But it was the look I saw on his face when I wanted to tell him to "please stop". He had this mixture of "it's going to be fine", "what a pig" and "if you can't take it, I'd be unhappy". I wanted him to be satisfied, and every time I drank from him that night, it was like that again – no matter how gross the taste. He was "allowed" to do things that don't usually happen on first dates with me. But getting into the headspace to do this with him was much easier. It just happened. And the rest of the evening was like this too.

But there were still limits. Especially with fisting. Even after my 20+ years of experience, trust is still the major factor. And I can grant that trust, to a certain extent. The more we meet, trust is built. Trust is given.

Moving back and forth, between the bed and the sling, there were the important check-ins "What do you like?", "Are you ok?", between the two of us. If you think that sounds like making a script, it wasn't. There were suggestions, possibilities. And it often led to a new experience with him each time we'd meet up. He catered to my desires, as much as I tried to let him do whatever he wanted. It became, by my standards, more extreme. He pushed my boundaries, but never broke them. The trust and confidence in what he was doing, how he read my reactions verbally and non-verbally, understood my physical reactions – just his actions released so much in me that I could trust like I hadn't felt sexually in a long time.

Nothing changed in my voluntary submission during the following meetups. I was mostly interested in pleasing him more and more (as if his permanent boner was not a clear signal that he likes what he sees, does, and gets). No matter what he did, I liked it. If "it" did not please me, his facial expression of horniness, recognition or astonished admiration compensated me.

Wickedly put, I had a service top that gave me what I craved.

Mutually, we both made the effort to please each other.

In reality, it was just great, trusting, and demanding sex.

As soon as the smallest possibility arises, I will do everything I can, to seem him again. Try to please him again.


Why do I want to write about this now? It happened again, recently. Not exactly like before, but similar. This guy was very different from the previous one. Similar height and weight to me, similar bear type body hair to me. Not my primary target audience at all. But pictures, texts and videos all made the chat so horny that it just had to be good. So much of a turn-on in advance. But… it was not! Unlike the first time, the preference this time was "vers". And whatever brought me to it, I wanted to fist this guy exactly like I wanted him to fist me. It got crazy. His hands were definitely NOT was I'm used to. They were bigger and I couldn't take it easily. But the initial eye contact – the eagerness in his eyes, made me think… you have to let him in. He really wants this. Not only for himself, but also to give me this experience. Despite the size, he managed to do things that I would have otherwise rather aborted. I loved his facial expressions, which alternated between demanding, satisfied and amazed, as he told me I "had" to endure it because it felt so good for him. And I was happy that he reacted to my body language – not always as expected, but also adequately implementing a stop every time. It didn't signal the "end of the round", but it was more so that I could breathe again before he pulled out, and such a deep and intimate connection was paused. But the insatiable me somehow signalled "keep going." When it was my turn to fist him, I gave him what he needed, what he craved. It was almost like a mirroring or what happened minutes before. Eye contact. Give and take. "Do you really want me to stop? You want it to happen, don't you?" – "FUCK YES!" Eye contact. More! Further! Deeper! Harder! The poor neighbours.

We both experienced the endorphins kicking in at the same time when he punch-fisted me, or when I double-fisted him. This is now the second guy I've had such a strong connection with. Further than I had planned. Much faster than I had ever thought. Without loss of confidence. With a desire and anticipation for the next session. No matter if as sub-only or switch.

"Dominance doesn't make any noise. It's just there and it works."

Being sub is only possible for me "voluntarily". Forced submission I find rather boring. To achieve something with force (not to say 'violence'), power or coercion seems too cheap to me. It is much more powerful when a look is enough to make me do good for my top. Afterall, I WANT IT. For him. For me. That's submission for me. That to me is as sub as I can be. If I don't do something, perceived as not wanting to disobey or not wanting to be "punished", then either I'm not ready for it or it goes beyond my limits. Maybe you can get me to do it at some point. But you (my top) have to invest in "us". Time and patience. Talk to me. Discussing preferences doesn't mean we write a script or checklist. It can often give sex a greater ease to know what the other person "definitely" likes. It can prevent hitting a mental "roadblock".

Deeper! Faster! Further! It's great when it happens. But if it doesn't – no stress, please. Sex should be fun for both/all parties involved. I don't always need to be a sub to have tons of fun with someone. And sex doesn't always have to be wild to be fun. Sometimes a cuddly 'Netflix and Chill' evening with some good "vanilla" sex can be good too.

My sub thing

sub when you take. Top when you give. Respect and sensitivity in every moment.
When I can't get into that role with you, this is really nothing about you, your capabilities or your masculinity. It's about my own headspace. Being sub is, or better "wanting" to be sub is just a small part. It isn't always planned. It just happens naturally. And it's awesome for me when it does.

So… I guess I am "sometimes" a sub after all.

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