(This article is written as a compliment to the article "Managing the Beast Within" by Recon member 'Numbers' - Sir Jason. You can find the link below. Please read both together.)
Note: This article covers only the relationship between a Dom and a sub. There are many different relationship pairings in the kink community, (for example, Master and slave, or, Rigger and bunny are others), but I cannot comment on the unique dynamics of these in this article.
"Oh no! Again?" "Yes, again." "But it's very painful." "Yes. And…? You know you want it." "I know …"
I am Algolagnia. Definition: 'desire for sexual gratification through inflicting pain on oneself or others, sadomasochism'. (Oxford Dictionary)
Well … not 100% right. Nowadays I am more of a Masochist – 'a person who derives sexual gratification from being subjected to physical pain.'
Seriously, why would I want that? It's in my wiring, in my DNA. When I was a little boy, I enjoyed deliberately inflicted pain on myself. Imagine closing your own balls into a draw and then yanking them out. Imagine delicately placing your balls into a workbench vice and gradually tightening it a quarter turn every 15 seconds, just to see if you could better your last record before you scream and sob, but still force yourself to go on. That's Algolagnia. That's my name.
Eventually, you find it's even more fun to not allow yourself to decide when it's enough. That decision is now to be taken by a Dom who will decide what's best for you. Now … that's masochism.
As every sub knows, we too have a beast within. A beast that rages to get out and take control of the body that it occupies. In this case the beast is not fed with the pain and suffering that it inflicts on another person – it feeds on its own pain and suffering, inflicted by the beast that is within the Dominant player in this animalistic torture scene.
The difficulty starts with finding the right Dom who is able to keep his own beast under control while bringing your beast under control.
But how hard can that be?
As it turns out, it's surprisingly hard. The reason is that the lines between Dominant, Master and common or garden playground bully is not at all well understood in the minds of so many players. It's generally accepted that a sub has boundaries and that he anticipates that the Dom he plays with will respect these. Some Masters also treat their slaves in the same way, but other Masters (and all bullies) believe that the slave or victim has (or should have) absolutely no say in what happens to him or what is expected of him. In fact, there are many Doms who do not want to play with "controlling" subs – that is to say, subs who know and state their limits upfront.
The way around this is to talk and discuss what principles will govern the interaction, and to decide where the boundaries lie. Also needed is a system (safe word) to stop the play or reduce the intensity.
Your prospective Dom doesn't want to agree to this? Walk away. It's really that simple.
It's been said that the sub is in control in any Dom-sub play, and in a sense that is true, because the sub's limits form the basis of the play. But now comes the fun part, because once these are established, the Dom, if he is good, can become very creative. This is the part where the sub cannot anticipate what comes next. I call this the "Mind-Fuck". Not my own word unfortunately, but a very good description.
At this stage in the play, a sub can and should totally surrender to his Dom, knowing that the Dom is willing and able to work within the parameters. A sub who decides to change or modify the boundaries during the scene is really a controlling sub, and this is as unacceptable to the Dom as it would be for the Dom to disregard the agreed limits.
Ideally, a Dom and a sub should anticipate that with each successive play, it will become better as they become familiar with each other and as the Dom knows what he can expect out of this sub's body. In the initial play, the Dom should expect that the sub will be nervous, and make allowances. But the high is only going to be achieved when there are no nerves, and trust has taken over.
The Dom/sub relationship is summed up in one word: Respect!
So, today's the day, and the teddy bear (my Dom) is going to have his picnic (me).
I arrive showered and energized. Underwear is not permitted, so I have some difficulty hiding my excitement. What's in my head? Of course I'm a little nervous of the pain to follow, but my inner beast helps me drive out the nerves. It tells me that this is what I need. My Dom immediately blindfolds and gags me. Today there will be no chit-chat. Actually, I'm happy. We know each other well, we have played before and I trust him fully. Yes, his beast is going to put my beast firmly in his place, but in some strange way, that comforts me, because it's now out of my control.
I'm being tied up very firmly. It has been decided (by my Dom) that today will be stress bondage, so the positions will not be comfortable. And they are not. I am on my back with my wrists tied to my ankles above me. My balls are tied to his leg. It's ok for 5 minutes. Then it becomes harder to keep absolutely still, so my balls are not stretched even harder. I beg for relief after 10 minutes. I am refused. Again after 20 minutes. Refused. Of course, he is enjoying a cigarette or seven while I am trying to not move and hoping that he also doesn't change his position. He moves. I cry out: I've just earned 30 spanks with his strap. How much longer?
Oh wait. Something different, he has freed me. A game. With dice. He is inviting me to … what? Draw a card and spank him the number of times the dice shows? There must be a catch. No? Go on, he says, don't hold back. OK. The two dice show a total of 9. So I spank him (hard, just for spite), 9 times. I just know this is going to end badly for me …
Throw again, he says. I do. A double six. Twelve. I prepare to deliver twelve. Wait. The twelve is for me. Oh well, that's life.
No wait. The twelve (mine) is going to be multiplied by the nine (his). One-hundred-and-eight in nine groups of twelve. I knew there was a catch. A rather painful catch. And as I didn't hold back on his, he decides that he won't hold back with mine.
Later (one hundred and eight later to be precise), he tells me that the next throw will represent how many times I may punch him in the balls. Please, please, please. Don't let it be more than a double one!
But why do I submit to the beast within, and give my body to this other man to hurt and abuse?
First, because I need this. It grounds me and fulfills my longings of giving away control. I control my life and the people around me 24/7. Now it's my turn to be controlled.
Second, the discipline trains me to accept what I cannot change and to accept consequences for decisions I make, including the decision to be here today.
Third, because I really like this man. I enjoy the energy he takes from my suffering, I enjoy that I can feed his monster while also stilling my own. And I love that when he has finished we feel like one intimate person as he tenderly cares for me and treats my wounds and bruises. He understands this dynamic as well as I do.
It's a Partnership.
To misuse a saying, "It takes two to tango". If one is out of step, the intricate steps of this ecstatically agonizing dance simply disintegrate.
But when the partners are in step, that's when Magic happens.
***If you'd like to share a fetish or kink experience in a member article, send your ideas or a first draft to: firstname.lastname@example.org