MEMBER OPINION: Not My (Personality) Type, but My (Kink) Type
31 August 2021
Have you ever come across someone on Recon who's just so perfect for you then you get to chatting about non-sexual topics and realize, wait a minute, this person is…weird, annoying, clingy, or something worse than that? This person gives off a vibe and it momentarily shocks you that his kink personality versus his regular personality diverge so much that it's like you're talking to a different person? Perhaps even to the extent that you no longer want to meet up? Yeah. It happens. What do you do? How do you handle it? And in reality, is it a turn-off or could it possibly turn into a turn-on?
Granted, some guys are the same in real life as they are in bed. Example, "I am loving and sweet in person, and I am loving and sweet in bed." Or the opposite, "I'm as blunt and vulgar in real life as I am in bed." This isn't that uncommon. Generally, there could be overlaps between ourselves and our kink selves. On the other hand, it's normal – expected even, to see a genuine discrepancy between a person and their kink self. In bed, we fulfill our deepest fantasies and become people who are able to satisfy our sexual desires. In real life, I do not like to be verbally degraded and told I'm a worthless piece of hot boy ass, that Daddy needs to fill with his man seed. When we're our kink selves, we evolve into a hidden part of ourselves that we hide from friends, family, colleagues, because we don't show our sexual selves to anyone except our sexual partners.
On Recon, we're expected to be our sexual selves and it's liberating. So, when I first joined, I found it strange when guys would post on their profile aspects about themselves in real life. Interests, hobbies, careers, dreams, political declarations, features of their real-life selves. Originally, I thought guys did it because they're on here looking for not only sex, but also a long-term relationship or even a romantic LTR. But that's not always the case. Guys on here like to give a fuller picture of themselves; it's an attempt to establish trust to build a successful hook-up. Is bonding over similar fantasies and kinks enough? Is it necessary to share aspects about one's real life to serve as a foundation for meeting up? Meaning, society denotes that guys could get it up with total strangers. We can fuck, have one-night stands, and have the best orgasm of our lives with a stranger. Unlike women (as we're told), we can separate emotions from play and often do; we do it without even thinking about it. Planting our seeds comes biologically natural for guys. But is this still the case? Or has society been wrong about men all along? And on the flipside, what happens when one's real-life self comes into conflict with yours, despite mutual fantasies/kinks?
Example. The majority of LGBT+ people are left leaning, politically/socially. But there are many who are right leaning. I wasn't surprised to come across conservatives on here. What I should say is I was surprised they were open about it. I chatted with one conservative guy about politics, and we managed not to rip the other's head off. And truthfully, the disagreements we had got me horny. By disagreeing with him so passionately (but, respectfully) I started to get hard, really hard. However, there was another guy, perfect for me sexually, also a conservative, but who said things to me that made my head explode, mainly that the pandemic is a hoax. So, I blocked him. And I lost all sexual interest in him.
Regarding the first conservative guy, my rage and frustration soon turned into sexual energy. Strangely enough, I fantasized about a roleplay scenario between me and him on the basis of political differences. We'd get into a heated political argument and somehow end-up fucking each other's brains out. In this scenario real emotions served as the root for playtime, not only the bonding over mutual fetishes.
But in other instances, I freeze up and find myself losing interest in the person sexually when things get too real. The intended result of my Recon membership is sex. As long as I get the impression the guy is SSC and we've agreed about how play is going to go down, then we're good to go. Yes, meeting up first and getting a feel for the person is important, but other than that, I can't say I'm really that interested in knowing the guy further. In hindsight, I gloss over past exchanges wherein guys want to get to know me outside of kink, and I somewhat take offense. Recon technically isn't a dating app*. It's a hook-up app. And the majority of guys write in their profiles if they're looking for more than just sex, and I tend to avoid them. I've ended exchanges with members when the conversations geared from sex and kink to tell me about your day, what is your employment status/your job, your path to achieving your ideal version of a successful life, what did you study in school, etc. I have no issue with answering personal questions on the surface, but the instant questions go beneath it, I respond back as politely as possible saying this is not the occasion for this kind of conversation. I know I appear to come off as an asshole, but like I said, I make sure to avoid guys who explicitly write that they're looking for some kind of LTR, romantically speaking. I respect that guys want to know me generally, but that's the limit. Frankly, I don't care about a guy's personal life outside of kink. I recognize, again, some will ask to make conversation to understand me a bit more, but this is about sex; my path in life is no concern of yours—whether I am a good fuck is a more appropriate concern.
I want to provoke controversy, for no other reason than to set the rules from the outset. My sexual life is your business. If you want to know me generally, I'll offer bits and pieces, but there is a thrill in anonymity. Engaging in play with total strangers is hot. I only know you sexually. Who you are outside of that is none of my business. What right have I to inquire how much money you make or offer career advice?
Would you still play with a guy after knowing (somewhat) that outside of kink he is incompatible with your real-life personality, and is an emotional connection (through knowing a guy outside of kink) a prerequisite for hotter, sexier playtime? For guys looking for LTR, either sexually and/or romantically, then a mutual emotional connection appears to be necessary. The two of you should (in theory) like each other on a basic human level. And if you two connect kink wise, but not personality wise, what then? For guys looking for random hookups, is an emotional connection a proponent or deterrent for better sex? For me, it's generally the latter. I like being anonymous to guys with whom I hook-up. There's no pressure to be myself and no requirement to impress. I get to be my fantasy self and that way satisfy us both sexually. If by chance by asking some general questions we come into conflict with one another, I can imagine some hot "hate" sex via political conflict, for example, but that's only if the energy turns sexual. If it doesn't, and you're wanting too much from me beneath the surface, I get turned off.
As men, are we capable of having just as good an orgasm with a stranger than with someone with whom we share an emotional connection? I admit, having sex with a someone when there is a mutual romantic affection is a beautiful experience. But is it always a good thing to have that emotional connection? I don't think so. I don't want to risk losing interest in someone sexually if our real-life personalities happen not to be compatible.
I hope productive conversation is inspired by this article.
***Member's opinion, not Recon's stance
If you'd like to share your thoughts on fetish, kink or the scene in a member article, send your ideas or a first draft to: email@example.com